Breathe
by River Tam Kobb
Summary: It only hurts when she's breathing


Title: Breathe  
Rating: PG-13  
Paring: Shannon/Sawyer (Comma Sticks Pairing)  
Summary: It only hurts when she's breathing  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOST or this song. I'm not makeig money of this.  
Spoilers: Up to DO NO HARM  
FYI: I liked this song before it was popular when Greenwheel was still singing it.  
For: Kate. Love you sweety! Thanks for RPing Sawyer Shannon with me all the time. Must get really old. .

I:  
I played the fool today  
And I just dream of vanishing into the crowd  
Longing for home again  
But home, is a feeling I buried in you

She knew she could never go home now. Even if they did get off the island, she'd never have a home again. No matter what she said, no matter what she had done, Boone was the only home she had had, if you defined home as a place you felt safe.

What bugged her the most was what a fool she had been. Why had she ever let Boone go out with Locke? Why had she been with Sayid that night and not Boone? Why hadn't she seen it coming?

Even worse is everyone trying to comfort her. She doesn't care anymore. She just wants to vanish so they would shut up. She knows they talk about her behind her back. It was one of the reasons she had dumped Sayid like a bag of bricks.

She knew without knowing she cold never be in love with Sayid. He wasn't her type and never could be. Sure he was stronge, but he wasn't the kind to kill for his woman. She need someone that strong. So strong he could kill anything that touched her, and would kill anyone who looked at her. She needed a hero. And Sayid wasn't a hero.

II:  
I'm alright, I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe

"I'm fine." "Doing great, thanks." "Fit as a fiddle, or whatever." "I already ate, Jack, but thanks." "No, really, Claire, I'm great." "No, Hurly, I'm ok, you go ahead." "Really, guys, I'm totally fine."

The lies she said sounded more and more real to her each time she said them. It was easy to make these people think she was ok. Stupid gits.

She really was fine. It didn't even hurt very much.. So long as she wasn't breathing, or sleeping, or awake, she was great. Every other time it was hell. But they can't know that. They all have to think she's just fine. There's only one hitch in her plan.

Sawyer.

Sawyer always seems to give her these knowing looks just after she has lied. Sayid gives the same looks, but when Sawyer does it, there is something else. It's not pity, it's not concern. At first she didn't know what it was... then she figured it out.

It was an offering.

And "any-time-any-place" look. If she needed something, something she knew he could give her, all she had to do was ask. And she knew he knew just what she wanted.

Damn those perfect blue eyes.

III:  
And I can't ask for things to be still again  
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes  
Longing for home again  
But home, is a feeling I buried in you  
I'm alright, I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe  
I'm alright, I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe

It's night time. He's got her back to a tree as he kisses her. The kisses range from hard and lustfull, to soft and sweet. It's like he can predict what she wants the moment she wants it. It's heaven on earth.

It's the fifth night in a row she's asked him for this. He's always willing and never complains. They havn't slept together yet. She's not ready for it just yet. He's ok with that, too. Even though she can tell he wants to sleep with her, he never tries. And people say he isn't a gentalman.

She knows she shouldn't ask this of him. She knows she is using him. She knows he knows it, too. But he lets her. And she doesn't know why. It can't just be because Boone is dead. It can't just be because he feels bad... maybe he's always wanted to be used by her.

And while making out with Sawyer helps a lot, it doesn't stop the pain. She hurts now at any moment that she's not kissing him. Any moment she has to think about something other than his hands and lips she hurts like hell.

And so she can't get enough of him. But even though she's addicted to him, she won't let things go far. She knows this might be tempting the tiger to much, but she doesn't care. All she wants his him. His touches. His kisses. Sawyer himself.

IV:  
My window through which nothing hides  
And everything sings  
I'm counting the signs  
And cursing the miles in between  
Whoa  
And home, is a feeling I buried in you  
That I buried in you

She knows it will all come back to haunt her. Things never stay secret here for long. Nothing can be kept hidden. And soon he wouldn't be her ditry little secret. But she knew if it got out it wouldn't stop her from counting the hours before she could be kissing him again.

It felt good knowing she could go to him at any time. It reminded her of the fact that she had once been able to go to Boone any time. Did that make Sawyer her new home? No... nothing could be home again. She'd buried home with Boone.

But if Sawyer isn't home, he is something close. If he isn't her strong hold, he's the closest thing on this island. One night, the whole group was sitting around the fire. Hurly was sitting next to Shannon and talking to her. From across the fire, Shannon saw Sawyer's eyes blazing in anger. She smirked at that. He'd kill for her. That thought was the best she'd had since boone had dead.

"Are you in love with me?" Shannon asked as they walk to their secret place.

"Why would you think that?" He asked, letting go of her hand which he had made a habbit of holding.

She shruged and grabbed his hand again. "Just wondering... it's not like I love you or anything."

He grunted and didn't look at her. She smirks, knowing now that she'd been right. He is in love with her, even if he can't see it. She can. But she still doesn't love him. She can't love anyone... not yet.

V:  
I'm alright, I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe  
I'm alright, I'm alright  
It only hurts when I breathe  
When I breathe  
Yeah it only hurts when I breathe  
When I breathe  
Oh it only hurts when I breathe

Later, when people ask her if she's ok, she doesn't have to lie as much. It still hurts more then anything. But having Sawyer made things simple again. Having someone love her felt good.

The ngiht she finally sleeps with him, it's heaven. He's so gental she wonders if he's like this with every girl or just her. And in her selfish mind, she thinks it must just be her. He seems a little sad as he lies there next to her. She knows it's because she doesn't love him back.

She kisses him softly and looks into his eyes. "Not yet," she whispers "I can't yet. But.. maybe... someday I can."

He nods and kisses her. They don't sleep together again. She doesn't want to, and she knows he doesn't want to, either. Not until they both share the same feelings.

"Someday," she tells him when they part ways each night. "Somday... when breathing doesn't hurt."

Someday she will love him. Someday she'll be happy again. It will stop hurting... it just needs time. She just needs Sawyer. He just needs her.


End file.
